I really cannot think of a good way to start this writing. I could go off with a memory or an antedote about what I'm going to be writing about, but unfortunately I have nothing. I guess I can start with who I am behind these pixels. My name is Pat, I'm in my late twenties and I deal with regular issues someone in their late twenties deal with. Work, saving money, socializing, trying to keep a healthy relationship with my parents, ect. As well as the regular stresses of life, I also deal with Obsessive Complulsion Disorder and anxiety (with a dash of short term memory issues). And as annoying as this is, I am grateful that these are the limits of what is wrong with my head and I fully understand I could be in a much, much, worse boat. But still.
It's been suggested to write out my thoughts and feelings about the struggles I deal with from the OCD and anxiety, and I've been working up the courage and strength to do so. Will this be a one shot post? Possibly. But seeing that it could be a good way to get some frustrations out, then I shall give it a whirl. I've gathered that most people associate OCD with "needing to have everything nice and straight" and "super clean" and other stereo types like that. Well, I can be a complete fucking pig sometimes, so that assumption about OCD is not exactly accurate. Now I will say, everything must be in it's place for my brain. My shoes must be taken off a certain way and placed a certain way on the floor with the laces going a certain way (seriously, the laces cannot cross, wtf man). My OCD is fear based (like I would think most are), but in the sense that "If I don't ActionXYZ a certain way, Important PersonB will die." Which I will agree is completely irrational. But my brain still associates these things and sends the false signals throughout my body causing anxiety and stress. This can come to a head when the OCD take prevelance in already stressful situations. But for now lets talk about some of my more prominant compulsions and intrusive thoughts.
Going Deeper
A few years back I was ill and if it weren't for modern medicine I would have died. After I was treated I developed a strange breathing pattern while saying to myself (either verbally or mentally) "everything's going to be fine." The best way I can describe the breathing is two deep breaths that in my mind create a tear shape. This compulsion has become a dominant feature in my day to day life. I do my best to mask it from people (My brother being the only person to call me out on it and ask "wtf??"). It has evolved over the last few years to now have the phrase "I'm in control" with the breathing (the irony isn't lost on me here).
Touching things. Vague yes, but it falls in the "making sure everything is in its place" category I guess. I will have to touch the item with my finger tips and if the sensation is not right, I will feel anxiety and have to start all over. Oh anxiety, your relation to my OCD is a bitch.
Typing. The compulsion that makes this writing to painfully hard to accomplish. I guess you could say it relates to the last compulsion but I'll try to explain this one out. If I spell something wrong, I just won't go back and find the error and fix it. No. I have to erase the entire word back to the previous word's last letter. This is followed by hitting "backspace" and "space" alternatingly until my anxiety is at rest and I can continue typing. I've had to put this compulsion in place for now while I write this, but the urge and desire to react to it is so painfully strong.
Hand writing. Fuck, this one makes paperwork at work hard. If I don't like how something is written, or the pen I was using stopped working, even for the tiniest part of a letter, welp, I'm rewriting the letter... Oh and now that letter is WAY darker than the other letters... TIME TO REWRITE THE WHOLE WORD... This leads to chicken scratch and scribbles everywhere. Not that I had the best penmanship to begin with.
My alarm. There are mornings where I have to wake up incredibly early for work. I never ever ever ever want to be late, so my evening before a shift are spent with me staring at my alarm on my phone for... 5... 10...30 minutes making sure it says the correct time. I'll then close out of the alarm... and forget what I had seen and have to go back to staring at the image. This. One. Kills. Me.
As for the intrusive thoughts? This ranges losing my job, to losing loved ones. Vividly seeing terrible things in my mind happening to those I love and feeling the pain and greif of the things my imagination has created. The events feel real in my mind, and if breathing a specific way for a few moments or minutes means that someone I love will be alright, then fine, I'll breath a bit. And even writing out that sentance, I feel and sense the /crazy/ that comes with that. There should be no reason for my brain to associate two so terribly seperate things... And If I resist a compulsion and intrusive thought? Panic, anxiety, it becomes hard to breath. That feeling of wanting to dissapear into nothingness, to not exist, to want to peel your face off and melt away into nothingness. I don't think I can express just how skin crawlingly uneasy the feeling of disobaying or ignoring a compulsion is.
I have good days and I have bad days. The last few days have been good days. I've started taking notices to how long the good days last and how long the bad days last. Depression, Social Anxiety, and Bi-Polar Disorder run in my family, and I feel the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. I noticed the other day that I was feeling REALLY really good and that I couldn't attribute it to anything. As this good feeling swelled for no reason, I realised I was having a manic high moment. There is nothing more jarring though to think about than the fact that "Well since I'm having a super high, when will the super low come?" I guess that is the nature of the way my brain operates.
There is so much more to write about (like the moment I first experienced social awkwardness and how one person randomly coming into my life at various points helped shaped my social anxiety), but for now I feel like stopping. I can already tell that this is not going to be the form and flow of this post is terrible and I'm sure grammar nazis are spinning in their grammar graves. Hopefully I was able to convey some thoughts and how my brain likes to work a bit.
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