"Word Vomit"

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote that last bit...


I've had an idea for something else I want to write about. People describe me as quiet, reclusive, and somewhat antisocial ("somewhat"), but it wasn't always that way. There was once a me who was eager to go out and make new friends, chat up everybody, go out and be the center of attention. Let me introduce you to my 7-10 year old self.

I was always willing to go out of my way for a laugh, or to be brave because I wanted to. I felt like I had all the friends in the world at school. My mom worked at the school so it made me "cool" in my head. I knew my teachers by first name, though I would never call them as such, because I was the "good kid." I never wanted to get in trouble, I never wanted to anger this "God" fellow who seems to be in control of everything. We were never a religious family, but I would always try to pray before bed, or to help fix turmoil in my young life.

But something changed. I became self aware of myself, of my flaws. Unbeknownst to me, I had eaten some sort of Appel of Eden and saw myself through what I felt was the eyes of others. I remember the exact moment.

In "Music" class in elementary school, once a quarter we would have "dance" day, or something to that nature. We'd turn down the lights, have dance club lights going, and play whatever pop songs which were popular at the time. We'd form a big circle with the chairs and 5-7 students would dance in the middle. I always loved this day. I would get up in the middle and dance like the biggest goof in the world, pull up all my friends, and just be a normal, carefree kid. I don't know for sure what triggered this thought, it may have been another student's comment, or other students being reluctant to come up and dance with me. But it came my turn to dance in the middle and choose other dancers, and I passed. I remember thinking to myself "I don't want to do that, I don't want to be made fun of." or something to that degree. I never got up to dance in the middle again. It'd be over a decade before I danced publicly again.

This was so out of the norm that the teacher actually came over to check to see if I was alright. Of course I was "alright." Like I'd let anyone know something was wrong right? I still remember my two bullies in elementary school. The two who helped shape my confidence or lack there of. Naturally I cannot "blame" them, but they didn't help the resonating feelings of "I am different" and "I am weird" pulsing through my existence. We'll call them R and B (heh). R supposedly came from money, looking back, considering where we lived,  I now call bull shit. He was a typical bully. Made fun of me for the things I did, called me fat, preyed on my young insecurities. He was stronger than me, but never hit me, but always intimidated me. He was an ass. Then there was B. She was different. She'd make you think she was your friend, and then just be brutally mean to you and demoralize you. Pretty harsh for kids right? I'd later learn that she had a multitude of issues at home, and I'd assume R did as well. I think R moved or went to another school when middle school came around, and B moved back to Michigan.

A few years back I ran into B again and we had a bit of a strange friendship. It was strange mix of romantic, sexual, and psychotic. (Took me awhile to choose "psychotic", but it fits best.) After a short fling(?), whateverthehellitwas, there was a massive falling out. Her insecurities and psychological issues were unfortunately, expressed with anger and rage. It was fortunate that we went our separate ways, but it was still refreshing and pleasing to have someone to wake up next to and kiss you before you leave for work.

Also one time my grandma (bless her soul) called me fat (okay she was pointing out that I was getting a chubby belly, but all I heard was "you're fat!"), so that never helped things. She never meant any harm, but it was one of those things that just stuck.

The once energetic and enthusiastic kid began to withdraw from others and rely on himself for companionship and entertainment. Looking for friendship in Goku, Tenchi, and his team of Pokemon to get him through his young troubles. In the last 5 years or so I have come out of my shell greatly. I am an introvert by nature now, but this is something I can embrace, while still being social and breaking out a bit.




I'll end this with a phone call I had with my mother today.
Mom: How have you been?
Me: Eh... I've been better... It's been a rough week mentally...
Mom: I'm so sorry... You get it from us and I feel terrible for that.
Me: Don't. (Or I said "Nonsense." Either way I was trying to disregard that thought for her).

My parents blame themselves for my psychological issues, and as much as genetics plays into effect a lot of things, I never want them to blame themselves for how my head works. I love them too much for them to bare that burden.